Broken Glass
by onewing
Summary: Tsuzuki thinks over his relationship with Hisoka. Tsuzuki's pov, one shot. Companion piece to Shards.


Disclaimer: Don't own it, but we all know that.

Notes: This is the companion piece to Shards. You don't have to read one to know the other, though it would be nice. :)

Warnings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka pairing. They may be a little OOC, but hopefully not much.

Broken Glass

It doesn't surprise me when the phone rings at three in the morning. I've grown to expect it, because you do it almost every night. The only time it does bother me is when you don't call. Then I get worried, and the darkness in me creeps up a little bit more. You're the only one that can chase the shadows away…

I answer, "It's alright, Hisoka, I'm here." It's the same phrase I say every night, because I know its what you need to hear.

There is a soft sigh on the other line, of relief? I hope so. "Sorry, Tsuzuki…"

"Don't be. You know I'm here for you." That sentience has so many meanings. The foremost one is that I am here for you, I exist for you, I stayed for you. You, and you alone are my only anchor at times. The other meaning is that I want to support you when you need it, even though I know I'm such a shaky support. I want to protect you, 'Soka, but I wonder at times if I can.

"I know," such a simple phrase, yet it gives me a little pleasure. As long as you know I am at least here, comforts me, even though you don't know everything I feel for you.

I wish I could tell you, but I'm so afraid to. My soul is made of broken glass that has been haphazardly put back together, but the glue holding it is so very weak, and if you reject me for my feelings, it'll crumble once more.

And you, you're so fragile in your own way. I know you don't like to show it, but someway, you really do need me. Need me to help keep you grounded, and to make sure you remember to smile sometimes.

Yes, I know, you're using me, but then, I'm using you as well. A fair enough trade off, we do it to survive, to stay intact. Because if we didn't have each other, we would both probably fall apart. I quicker then you, because I'm weaker then you, while you're so strong, Hisoka. Yet, we would both shatter eventually.

Perhaps we could be made stronger if I confessed. If I just flat out told you how I felt, that I… love you, perhaps we could move on, and in moving on, leave this fragile existence behind.

Yet, that comes with the question, will you let me love you? I don't need you to love me like that, Hisoka; I just need you to need me. Yet, would my love turn your need away? It's a chance that I don't want to take. Because, if you stopped needing me, I would not have a reason to exist.

Thus, the dilemma. I need to tell you, but I'm too much of a coward to do so. If you let me love you, I could learn to be stronger, to support you better. But, if you turn away….

"Tsuzuki?" a soft utterance, one of worry, I must have been too wrapped up in my thoughts and not heard you.

"Sorry, I must have been spacing out," not entirely the truth. But I can't very well confess what has me occupied, can I?

"No, I should be apologizing, I'm keeping you up. Forgive me, I'll let you go…." I can hear the reluctance in your voice. It echoes the same feeling in my soul.

"No, it's alright, Hisoka. I'm here for you, you know that," again, that repeated phrase with so many meanings.

"I know, Tsuzuki," again the acknowledgement.

I know how this will go. We'll sit in awkward silence for a bit longer, and then hang up. You'll spend the rest of the night tossing and turning with only your nightmares for company, and I'll just lay awake, thinking of nothing… and yet everything. We really should break this cycle, before it breaks us. Yet, neither of us knows how to take the first step.

"'Soka, would you like to come over? Maybe if you slept over here tonight, you would rest better?" a bold suggestion, but it's the closest I can come to saying what I want.

I need you here, to remind me why I am still living. I need your reassurance, because without it, I am dead. Love isn't important, you are, and I will do everything to help you, because you are everything. At least to me.

A pause, I wonder if I have offended you. You get touchy about these suggestions, and I believe I can curse Muraki for your reluctance to get close to anyone. No matter how much you fear, physical reassurance is still something you shy from. Yet, words never seem enough….

"If you are sure…." Hope sparks in me at those words. If I am sure? What does that matter? You have just agreed to something I suggested for once… That nightmare must have really shaken you to force you to do this…. You haven't sought out true comfort since Kyoto….

"Of course. Just transport over, I'll keep the bed warm," a weak, possibly slightly perverted, joke on my part. Though I know you'll allow it of me. No matter what stupid thing I do, you allow it, though I suffer your wrath for it.

I can almost imagine the blush on your face as you interpret my words, then, "Idiot. I'll be over soon."

A click, and the line goes dead. I hang up, and lie there waiting. A soft sigh, this is a surprising turn of events. Not once have you accepted my offer, and the only times you would let me comfort you into sleep was after Tsubaki and Kyoto… Why have you accepted now?

Did the dreams get to be so bad that you are forced to turn to me? I don't know whether to be happy with the thought you are going to be here beside me, at least tonight, or unhappy with the thought that they hurt you so much. I want to protect you; I don't want these things to harm you. Yet, I also want you here, and if those are what drive you here, I could almost accept them.

It's a bit hypocritical, yet, that is how I am. I am a liar, even to myself. How can you possibly want someone like me near you? Someone so dark and ugly next to your beautiful light…. Yet, you do want me; need me, and that is all that matters to me.

There is a brush of air, and the bed sinks a little as you suddenly climb in, pressing against my back. That's even more unusual then even for a breakdown….

"Hisoka?" I turn, wrapping my arms around you instinctively, "What is wrong?"

You bury yourself deeper into my embrace, hiding your face into my chest. It takes a while for you to respond, and when you do, it's barely above a whisper.

"It was just a stupid dream," you half mutter.

"It must not have been so stupid if it's gotten you this upset," I mention, rubbing your back lightly. If only I could take these night fears from you so easily.

You sigh, untucking your head a little to mildly glare at me. There isn't enough venom in that gaze tonight, merely a mixture of stubbornness and fear. How unlike you to reveal what you are feeling to me.

"You left me, and Muraki gained control over me again. Just like always," you turn around, still in my arms, but your face hidden from me.

Yes, that is the normal for you, isn't it? More times then not your dreams always tend to focus on my abandoning you, and his return. How can I assure you that I will stay always by your side? How can I assure you he will never have you again? When I don't even know if I can keep those promises?

"Hisoka…" I don't know what to say; I don't know what to do.

So I tighten my hold on you, and bury my face into your hair. I love you, but there are things that I do not know I can grant. I will stay as long as you need me, I will protect you with everything in me. I will use this cursed existence to guard your blessed one. But if I should fail, or if you had no need of me any longer, I would fall apart.

"Tsuzuki, your uncertainty is smothering me," your words are sharp, though quiet.

"Oh, sorry…" I start to pull away, but you place a hand on my arm, stopping me.

"I merely meant that you should decide now, and stop worrying about whatever it is that you are worrying about. I don't want you to let go…" there is a little tremble in your otherwise normal voice.

It takes a moment for me to respond, and then I smile. All right, maybe I should just stop worrying tonight. You need my comfort, not my pain, nor my secrets. No, tonight you just need me. And you have all of me, never forget that.

"All right, 'Soka. You had best get some sleep, or neither of us will get any work done tomorrow," I go back to my slight teasing.

"Idiot, I'm the only one that works," your sentience is punctuated by a yawn, and you relax a little.

"That's why you should rest," softer jab; yet you don't respond.

Raising my head, I notice you are safely asleep. Bending my neck, I lightly, ever so softly, kiss your cheek. I may not be able to express my feelings yet, but as long as I can help you, protect you, and comfort you, I can survive. Maybe someday soon, I will tell you, but for tonight, I will just be your guardian. Sleep well, my love.


End file.
